HEAVEN & HELL JOKES
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter , who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck"
A couple made a deal that which ever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary ... Mary ....
s that you Fred ?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty all afternoon Supper-then sex till late at night, Sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Texas .
Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said " I know you guys are forgiven because your here but before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is soo big".
St Peter asks the first guy : How long were you married ? he replies 24 years.
Did u ever cheat on your wife ? asks St Peter
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Skoda to drive.
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Mondeo."
The third guy walked up and said, " Peter , I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Mondeo and the Skoda saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden pavement, so they went to see what was the matter.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered..
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard ."
Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard ?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"
"OK, I give" said Saint Peter , "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... and the prayer... Our Father who art in Heaven Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself
"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter .
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."
The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK !!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter ."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know -- my wife told me to stand here."
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan , you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
" Satan !" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan . "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
This fellow wants to live FOREVER, and at his death (he has an incurable disease) he wants his body frozen, to be thawed out at some later date and cured.. About a year later he dies... and his body is carefully prepared and quickly frozen as per his wishes...
He, in the mean time, gets to Heaven, sees St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he is standing in line, waiting to get in, and pretty soon, it's his turn... St Peter asks his name, and the man tells him. Peter looks in his book, and says, take a seat.....
The next person in line gives his name, and Peter tells him to go on in.... This goes on for hundreds of people, and in the mean time, the man is sitting on this bench, along with 3-4 other people, wondering WHY can he not get in???
FINALLY, he can't stand it any longer, and goes and butts back in line, and demands to know WHY can he not get into heaven like all those other people... St Peter asks his name again, looks it up in his book, and says.. You died of a rare brain tumour, and had your body frozen, didn't you? Yes, says the man... FINE, says St Peter ... In the year 2389, they will find a cure for that form of tumour, thaw you out, fix it, and wake you up.... TAKE A SEAT....
